If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize