you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
