Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
