u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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