last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
