I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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