Can i not drive my cunt home
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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