Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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