if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The power of my boobs compel you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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