Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
