Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
