He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize