for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
