i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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