do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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