i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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