i already hear my dad disowning me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
