I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
