Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
