That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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