i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
