oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
