The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
