R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
