i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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