i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize