My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
