my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
