Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
