Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
