Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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