did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
