you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
