I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
