Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
