I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
