I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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