he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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