tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
