two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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