Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's never too late to be topless.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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