apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
