Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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