just tell him i said nine months
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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