is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
