highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You took a bar mat shot.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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