Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
