Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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