mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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