We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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