i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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