The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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