I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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