everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
