hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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