In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
