wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize