I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
