I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to calm my uterus...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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