I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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