Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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