Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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