how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize