Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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