just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
