Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
