i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
